Features

Nice Guys

Nice Guys always 'finish last', apparently. Women never  choose The Nice Guy. No.  He gets left on the bench, forever rejected by the females he wants in favour of, what? 

Ask that and this is where the entire self-pitying trope starts falling apart. Allow me to elaborate...

I started hearing the fundamentally flawed idea that women don't like Nice Guys when I was in my teens and started rejecting the advances of males I either wasn't ready for or just didn't find attractive. It felt like, as a maturing girl and then young woman, you just could not win! If you 'got-off' with or fucked one too many boys (or even just one), you were called 'a slag' and ridiculed by them. 

If, like me, you didn't even kiss a boy until you were sixteen and said no to any boy who tried before that, you were called 'frigid'. Yes. I was called 'frigid' in high school.

I'd simply smile to myself knowing how well established and shocking to some my masturbatory habits had become even then. I was waiting and happy to not rush into sex at such a tender age. That's not something that has really changed and, as I talk about in 'Filthy', when it comes to men, there are very few I actually want to fuck. Even when I find one, I remain content and preferring to wait.

What I'm not happy about is still dealing with the bullshit idea perpetuated by self-pitying men that we women never choose Nice Guys. The Nice Guy being rejected is nothing to do with him. It is completely without his control - a sad situation in which he is utterly powerless to effect any change. Damn!

If only he were a wanker, women would want him!

According to his 'logic'.

There are three main flaws within this way of thinking, which we are about to explore. Are you sitting comfortably?

Then we shall begin...

Flaw #1:

Emotionally Abusive

This is really the only flaw you need in order to take the entire Nice Guy nonsense apart. My experience of men who use the completely ridiculous idea of The Nice Guy is that they're not usually that nice.

Right from the off, when you're still meant to be trying to impress, entice and attract one another, they're using it in a setting of rejection; they want to fuck you, but you said no for whatever reason. They casually drop the 'I guess Nice Guys always finish last' line, or words to that effect, in an obvious attempt to garner pity from the female saying 'no'.

Hopefully, that pity will make the declining female change her mind and decide to agree to a date, fucking, a relationship, whatever the Nice Guy is trying to get from her. 

In other words, it's attempted emotional manipulation designed, in this context, to make the woman open her legs to The Nice Guy. It is him refusing to accept her boundaries. It is a direct challenge to the lack of consent she is giving to him.

In other words, it's Emotional Abuse.

It doesn't bode well for any potential developments with that Nice Guy on any level.

If The Nice Guy refuses to accept your 'no' at the very start, tries emotionally manipulating you into shifting your boundaries for his gain...

...Well, does that sound like a particularly 'nice' thing to do?

Just how nice is The Nice Guy when he's willing to be emotionally abusive to get what he wants - especially if you have already expressed reluctance or outright turned him down?

We're all adults here (at least we should be!), so let's be honest about this; beyond a certain age, The Nice Guy who is unwillingly single is often so because he isn't actually that nice.

Plenty of other men out there are, though, leading me to the second core flaw...

Without this Binary Opposition

the entire Nice Guy

concept falls apart.

Does not exist even

as a theory.

It can't.

Flaw #2:

Binary Opposition

I love the whole  Binary Opposition thing, having mentioned it in 'Filthy'. It's a subject I first learned about during my five years spent studying Media Production, Film, Radio, Broadcasting and Journalism. Basically, for those who don't know, it goes like this:

Without Binary Opposition, nothing could really exist. 

Not even 'nothing'.

In order to have nothing, we must have 'something' in opposition to it. There can be no light without dark, no dark without light. No life can exist without death, no death without life. No right without wrong, no wrong without right. Were there no down, there would be no up.

No feminine? There could be no masculine, and vice versa. You get the idea...

...But how is Binary Opposition an integral part of The Nice Guy equation, and how does this rip the idea apart at its seams?

Without 'nasty', there could be no 'nice'. Without 'nice', there is no 'nasty'. So, if Man A is saying to a woman that 'Nice Guys always finish last', he is saying that he is The Nice Guy.

By implication and via the 'law' of Binary Opposition, he is also stating that any man she chooses or has chosen instead of him, Man B, is The Nasty Guy. Man B cannot be a Nice Guy because he has been chosen. He 'won'. He didn't 'finish last'.

Man A has actually only 'lost', 'finished last', and not been chosen, because the woman rejecting him doesn't like The Nice Guy. She desires The Nasty Guy, according to this idea.

Without this Binary Opposition and negative implication towards Man B, the entire Nice Guy concept falls apart. Does not exist even as a theory. It can't.

The Nice Guy requires this connotation of 'Nasty Guy' so he can be The Nice Guy. It's unspoken and engrained in the very phrase 'Nice Guys always finish last', or any such variation, every time it is used. 

Problem is, what if the chosen male, Man B, The Nice Guy's 'competition', is not nasty?

He might be a genuinely Nice Guy. One who accepts 'no' for an answer, respects her boundaries and consent (or lack thereof), and who has never attempted any kind of abusive emotional manipulation in order to control her choices and behaviour. 

One who doesn't resort to tactics involving creating pity to get what he wants from a woman.

And, what of that woman?

Here's where flaw #3 comes in...

We make unhealthy choices, leaving the poor

Nice Guy out in the cold, clutching at his own cock because nobody else wants to do it as he's just too fucking nice.

Flaw #3:

Misogynist

We've established that the Nice Guy trope is emotionally abusive and relies upon every man who isn't rejected being a complete dickhead - The Nasty Guy, or Man B for the purposes of this feature. 

With women, according to The Nice Guy, only ever choosing The Nasty Guy, he is insinuating that females are unable to make healthy choices or decisions when it comes to picking a play mate.

The Nasty Guy must always 'finish first' for The Nice Guy to 'always finish last' when it comes to ladies. Man B can only 'win' because of the pathological romantic or sexual selections made by women. 

The Nice Guy, to be the constant loser he claims to be (he is the one framing this as 'win or lose' by using the context of competition implicit in the phrase 'finishes last'), must be subject to and at the mercy of the feminine's decisions. She cannot make normal, healthy choices, as is evident to the Nice Guy in them not choosing him. If they were in their right minds, he would be their favoured option. 

That The Nice Guy never 'comes first' is down to women wanting The Nasty Guy. We want to be abused, so says The Nice Guy through implication and according to Binary Opposition, thus we do not choose him. We make foundationally unhealthy choices in sex and relationships that leave the poor Nice Guy out in the cold, clutching at his own cock because nobody else wants to do it as he's just too fucking nice.

The women he wants who don't want him would rather have a man who mistreats her and messes her around. 

If she thought more normally, more rationally, more sensibly and intelligently, she'd choose to be with him. It's a simple as that in The Nice Guy's mind. 

Which, to me, begs the question - why would The Nice Guy want a woman who is, by his own stated beliefs, so psychologically damaged by past trauma or too toxic to make decent decisions and safeguard herself?

Why would The Nice Guy want a woman who, according to him, wants to be in an unhealthy, abusive connection?

It makes no sense. 

It's an incorrect assumption about any and all healthy-minded, emotionally balanced and mature women. The kind of women healthy-minded, emotionally balanced and mature men want. Who also happen to be the men who are not 'finishing last'.

The Nice Guy needs the fallacy that women wouldn't know how to pick a healthy Lover or partner if he appeared naked at her feet. It's misogynistic in the way it whispers 'If women were smart enough to recognise and want a Nice Guy, they'd want me'.

All bringing me, from my perspective, to one conclusion...

The Nice Guy isn't that  nice and doesn't even

seem to respect, let alone like, his

female counterparts.

Summing It Up

When we put all the pieces together, what have we got from The Nice Guy?

Emotional Abuse via attempted manipulation designed to move a female's boundaries and erode her lack of consent by trying to incite pity in her. 

An absolute reliance upon the idea of The Nasty Guy, and any Lover or partner who is selected having to be a total wanker. Definitely not a Nice Guy.

He would have 'finished last'.

Because Nice Guys always do...

The complete necessity for woman to be 100% dispossessed of the psychological ability to not choose abusive men. Indeed, The Nice Guy depends upon all women being mentally damaged - we wouldn't choose abuse, otherwise.

Saying openly, or implying, that women crave and desire abuse, all the things that need to be in place for this to be the truth, is misogynistic. The idea is usually delivered by The Nice Guy with some sort of expression of contempt towards females, further signalling that The Nice Guys isn't that nice and doesn't even seem to respect, let alone like, his female counterparts.

If, though, I've been dealing with this 'Nice Guys always finish last' bullshit for decades, why have I decided to write about it now?

Because I had a man use it on me within the last couple of days. 

This man, who we'll call Mr X, and I have chatted online on and off for several years. Nothing deep, I wouldn't consider him a friend. After seeing some Insta   posts about the Intercourse feature, 'Filthy', Mr X realised there is a man I've been fucking.

He and I had not chatted for a number of months, but he recently, after this realisation, got in touch and reminded me that he had wanted to fuck me, basically, for quite a long time (probably before I started fucking the man I talk about in 'Filthy'), he had made his attraction and desire to fuck clear to me, and he just guesses 'Nice Guys always finish last...'

...Because I obviously prefer The Nasty Guy who will abuse me, is the end of that sentiment, by implication alone, as discussed. 

Apart from the fact that my sexuality and who I fuck are not based on a first-come-first-served basis, for all the reasons I've detailed above, I do not want a relationship with Mr X.

He has already tried to manipulate me into changing my mind and boundaries - and we have not even met in person! I am not emotionally available or open to being part of a couple. My heart still lies with a dead man. It wouldn't be fair to get into anything serious, even if I wanted to. Which I don't! 

My life in this Ehlers-Danlos body is difficult enough - all my medical conditions are progressive or degenerative, and getting worse. I can have weeks or months at a time wiped out by pain. There are things I'm trying to do, things I want to get done and things I fancy having a crack at...I do not have the time, energy or inclination to focus on a full-time relationship in the way they need to succeed. 

Neither did I appreciate Mr X trying to make me feel guilty about not showing him sexual attraction. I do not owe any man my desire.

But, I'm writing this, because my annoyance ran a little deeper this time...

'Mr Nasty'

Going by Mr X's rationale, I choose the 'Nasty Guy' to play with. If I haven't chosen Mr X who is a Nice Guy who always finishes last (according to him, not me), I must have settled on fucking a Nasty Guy because I prefer to be abused and mistreated.

Apart from me not understanding why Mr X would want me if I am the kind of person to choose other mentally unhealthy and abusive characters to be in my life, bed and body, the problem with this is, it simply is not true.

The only man walking this planet who is currently permitted to touch me sexually, strip me naked, stick his tongue, fingers or beautiful erection inside my mouth or pussy is the man I speak of in 'Filthy'.

It's the Royal Marine who has respectfully and playfully made me choose to push my sexual boundaries without manipulation, without trying to employ pity in order to manipulate.

It took us about eighteen months of chatting, flirting and copious amounts of masturbating online before we met, and we only met in person once before we fucked.

We've had a little hiatus, worked through some tension, and if you asked me to sum him up in one word last year, it probably would have been 'twat'.

I am open, in theory, to the idea of meeting another man, but I don't want really have the time, pain threshold or inclination to be fucking more than one man.

It's not something I am actively pursuing, I have programmed my brain to focus only him as my primary source of sexual satisfaction and arousal, and it is something massively hindered by my exceedingly selective libido...

While things weren't great between the man in 'Filthy' and I, it was something I was being proactive about, having conversations with many other men.  However, having 'worked through some tension', as I said, if you asked me what I think of him now, I would say, in my overall experience of him he is a Nice Guy - because he decided to be. 

And he didn't finish last. 

Indeed, had he not decided to 'be nice' and give me what I told him I was looking for, and what he said he was happy to supply (regular sex), I wouldn't be fucking him any more. When Mr X learned about my Lover's existence, he spoke about how I had refused to meet up with him, how he had expressed his sexual interest in me long ago and repeatedly (as if that automatically gets you laid), and that he supposes 'nice guys just always finish last'. This implies the guy I chose to fuck is not a Nice Guy and this pissed me off.

It isn't true and it pisses me off. 

I wanted to write this in defence of him, the one who gets me naked and makes me cum so hard, I have been unable to move my lungs to breathe as the second orgasm he has caused courses through me like a freight train, all the way up to my ribs, making my abs spasm so much, inhalation just isn't possible and I have to make it all stop. 

He knows exactly what to do to maximise those moments for me. He also makes me smile, makes me laugh and makes me happy. He isn't hard work. He isn't demanding of my time and doesn't demand anything from me - unless I want him to...

Don't get me wrong, he likely would have not one single shit to give regarding what Mr X thinks of him - nasty or not. In fact, he would probably grin, chuckle and then go down on me instead of getting irritated by another man's opinion of him.

But I do care, because my life is improved by my Lover's presence, and I appreciate him. I am grateful to him for that. I respect him.

We're a casual thing that has importance in my life.

So I'm not just going to say nothing when he is criticised, even by implication, by a man who is just unhappy about not getting his own way with me. 

In the same way I don't think my Lover would care what Mr X thinks of him, I don't really care that his Nice Guy spiel implies that I am unable to make wise decisions when it comes to men and prefer the abusive Nasty Guy to Mr X's Nice Guy. I think it says more about him and his attitude towards women than it ever could about me as a woman.

I think it shows that abusive emotional manipulation is his go-to to try to get what he wants and I think it shows his unwillingness to look at his own actions and behaviours critically, and take responsibility for them and their impact.

As is, in his world, him not finding a woman, him being rejected so much, is nothing to do with him. It's all down to the women who don't like The Nice Guy.

I think, unless you're willing to look at yourself critically and take some responsibility for yourself, you can kiss my ass, because you're never to going to make any kind of positive changes or improvements in your - or anyone else's - life. 

And I think that is why The Nice Guys are still unwillingly single.

If I'm wrong about that, then I don't want to be right and thanks, but no thanks, to all the guys who're so nice.

I'd rather be fucking this particular

'Mr Nasty' any day or night.